NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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