the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
