You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
