i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
