My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
