i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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