I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The beer is more important than you right now.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
