nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
