So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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