I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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