I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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