I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
