i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
