my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
she peed on how many people?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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