So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
