just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My vagina just clenched in fear
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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