Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
