He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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