toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
