how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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