doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
it was like eating out sand paper
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
