she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
