I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
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