the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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