We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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