What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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