you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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