He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
