My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
