maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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