I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
