Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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