youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
