i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
