I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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