She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
