i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
