The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
