in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
