it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
