my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
