I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
