I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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