MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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