I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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