I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
