I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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