I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
