Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
