Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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