# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
