i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
