i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
