Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
