Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
