either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
