found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
